The Night Before Dhanakosa

It’s coming up to the anniversary,
Of January 18th,

β€” The wintry night when I drove to Dhanakosa,
For the meditation retreat;

This was in the midst…
Of my period of peak trauma,
Trying to make a fresh start,
Whilst returning back to Edinburgh;

Two weeks before this––
I’d booked the retreat,
Just moments before,
Everything fell apart;

The plan––
Drive up to Edinburgh,
Stay with a friend,
Meet an old employer,
Try to make amends,
Stay one more night,
Then drive North-West…
Arrive at Dhankosa,
And hope for the best;

Everything went to plan,
–– Except,
On the 17th, the night before,
I felt utterly hopeless,
And totally forlorn;

There was no plan for accommodation,
There was no plan for finances,
There was no plan for anything,
Beyond the week at the retreat,

I barely had friends around me,
They weren’t the type to miss me,
And I’d been doing so well,
Up until December;

That was the worst I’ve ever felt,
And I tried to reach out,
But everybody, somehow,
Had some reason to opt out;

Even my old neighbour,
Who was so friendly,
He’d helped me immensely,
After a knee surgery,

He said β€œNo to a phone call, Robin”,
He said: β€œI hate to say it, but it’s your mental health that’s the problem”,
–– As if I didn’t know that by now…

So what the f**k are you supposed to do,
When everybody’s telling you,
To ask for help and you are,
And no one is helping,

F**k that,
–– And writing this now,
Is bringing all emotions back.

The last person I could call––
An old university friend,
Whom lived down in Wales,
She listened to it all,

And she did a very touching thing––
She promised to pay for a hotel for me,
For two weeks, to gaurantee,
That I’d have somewhere to stay,
After the Dhanakosa retreat.

Thanks Mim πŸ’™.


11 thoughts on “The Night Before Dhanakosa

  1. Your poem is heartbreaking!
    Sometimes, people can be so uncharitable and really let us down,
    But. how wonderful to have someone to be so kind and pay for your hotel. πŸ™‚
    Touching poem!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. What a terrible time you had, Robin. I am glad things are better for you now and I hope they stay that way. I am so sad for you that you were rejected by so many people but your friend Mim sounds wonderful. I am very glad she was there for you. Did the retreat help? 🌸

    Liked by 1 person

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