I See Now

I dropped my phone once, left it behind,
I can do without,
Let’s see,
If I can read that book instead.

Why is it that I cannot read more than a few sentences,
Before something, anything, interrupts.

Sure I may have ADHD,
And some OCD too. I even typed that 3 times already.
I’m always drawn to more immediate, thrilling experiences,
Or I repeat what I already know, despite myself,
It’s true that I always did those things, but much less so.

I seem to have less willpower to resist,
Whatever the distraction,
Of which mind-wandering,
Agitated repetition,
External noise,
Are examples.

So I drove to the mountains,
And for a few days sat by a loch,

With no ambitions,
Other than to concentrate on my surroundings.

How mundane. Is it possible?
Sure I started to get bored, agitated,
I brought my portable rumination along with me,
The travel version you know.

But I pushed on, focused relaxation,
Staring at a rock in the rippling shoreline for half an hour,
Then an hour more just because I could,
Listening to all the sounds,
Smelling the smells,
Feeling the rock beneath me.

To silence thought, I used the sound of the rippling water as my voice,
Heard it keenly as my own,
And my thoughts became quieter,
My awareness grew,
And do you know what?

As I finally stood again, I felt unsteady,
Vertigo but not vertigo,
Which persisted as I ambled along the beach,
Feeling somehow slightly disembodied from myself.

What is this?

Then I realised that I was simply perceiving, completely silently, everything around me.
My peripheral vision was wider and clearer,
The world more in-focus,
The soundscape richer and crisper,
The sounds themselves describing the surrounding environment intimately,
The smells more interesting.

What I had lost in perception of myself,
I had gained of the outside world.
And through no current mental effort at all,
I now resided in a totally silent mind.

It was beautiful, magical,
Totally relaxing.

So for an experiment I reached for that book, untouched,
And read,
And read and read,
With ease,

Not just one line at a time,
But with two or three in clear focus at once,
And with my eyes moving smoothly down the page, barely even along,
The shapes of letters and words described and conveyed their ideas and images.
The best I have ever read, amidst the time I have read least.

Impossible, unbelievable, re-assuring.
I relapsed to my previous state within an hour or two,
And now two months later have not yet had the conviction to fully put that knowledge back into practice.

But that has shown me that potential is still there,
Greater than I knew,
And somehow through meditation, willpower, clarity and simplicity of goal,
It is possible to unlock it.

And with meditation taken to that extreme,
To experience a kind of transcendence,
Or out-of-body experience.

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